I spent this week observing some music teachers because work days no longer mean that you can get any work done. Now we have people in charge of making sure our work days are taken up with fun-filled activities that will make us grow and soar like an eagle. Well, this week my schools all had their own work days so the people that dream up fun things for us to do told us to observe other teachers. I chose a teacher based on how close the school was to my house. This year my decisions have all been based on best practices.
The first teacher I went to see teaches in what I can only describe as a war-torn combat zone full of varying sizes of warriors in search of Ritalin and/or Agent Orange. When I came in, the teacher was saying words, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out who was listening to those words. They seemed like important words She had an important look on her face. But then again she was trying to communicate with beings who have emerged from something out of Stephen Hawking's imagination. This was a fourth grade class and they made me feel like I was in the middle of a scene from a bad movie about substitute teachers. They were screaming and throwing bits of scrap paper and standing on chairs and howling at some celestial body. Two of them were paying attention, I think. I say this because they were sitting on the carpet near the teacher and were quiet. But they might have been catatonic. It was hard to tell. Maybe third grade would be better.
The third grade came in doing several versions of the Monty Python Silly Walk Contest. Many were poking and jabbing each other Several were yelling "Shut up." and "No, You shut up," in what seemed like a very productive argument. Future debaters I said to myself.. The teacher gave the class a point for entering quietly and, while I was dumbfounded that the class received a point, I was more curious what the point was for. I never did find out But then again, the class never received another point. Maybe it was a get out of jail free card. First grade was next. Maybe they'd be better?
No. First grade was not better. They were smaller but were practicing the behaviors I saw in the older grades. They were already quite good at this. I videoed several first graders doing imitations of rolling pins who were, I assume, trying to flatten out the floor. I don't know. After they got bored rolling around they started the usual game of poke your buddy until someone gets angry. And sure enough, one little first grade boy got angry when a girl slapped his face somewhat playfully, but apparently the boy didn't seem to like it very much, and when I saw the familiar huff and puff face I knew something bad would happen, so I got up and separated the future pugilists. No sooner did I do that than the rolling pin boys started to punch each other. The teacher came over to help me break up the fight. No buzzer was pushed. No administrator called. This was just another day in the Land of Chaos.
On top of all this fun, I had to fill out this observation form. I don't know who is responsible for designing this form, but it's really quite awful. First of all some of the questions are meant for self-reflection and since I'm the observer, they don't apply. Secondly, the questions have answers that are self-evident and only someone who just stepped into the classroom might, maybe, possibly, find them useful, although I doubt it. I'm guessing it was written by the same committee who dreams up fun things to do on work days instead of allowing us to do some work. I'm pretty sure no one read my comments because I'm still employed. But then again, I'm giving up a work day to not get any work done so I feel justified.
Friday, March 15, 2019
Thursday, January 10, 2019
Stupid S**T My Students Say. Part II In a Continuing Ad Infinitum Series
We are entering the 36 week month of JaFebruarch and the kids are digging deep into their superpowers to become Super Annoying Creatures. Everything out of their mouths makes my bones itch and my hair hurt. As soon as they walk into the room I hear, " I can't sit next to Zabruda; I can't be with Xeonee; I am not allowed to be near Tre'Von; Our teacher said Arvann can't be near anyone (unfortunately, all these are real names). My answer every time is, "Great. So you two can be partners for the rest of the year." Except for Arvann. I just pull out a chair for him and have him sit in the back of the room. Lord only knows what he has done to make him the pariah and I don't want to find out.
Along with their super annoying powers comes their super annoying questions and comments
Along with their super annoying powers comes their super annoying questions and comments
Here is a fun sampler:
- Is the Elf on the Shelf gone for real? (One of the on-site teachers I work with has an elf on the shelf and he moves it around the class during December, which makes all my kids go crazy when they enter the room. I always have music playing when the kids enter and they do steady beat activities to it in SILENT mode.....except in December because they are looking for that blasted elf). Class enters every week pointing out that the elf is now under a guitar or hanging in the window, followed by this question:
"Mrs. J., Is the elf real?"
Me: "Yes."
I had one student who cried when he saw the elf. He said it kept looking at him and his eyes were following him around the room. Pretty soon he'll be telling people that a hamster told him to shoot people at Hardy's.
- Can we play that spinning game? I ask what spinning game, knowing full well it's the dreydl game and no, we can't play it because it's JaFebruamarch., and Hannukah was three years ago. Students:" Three years ago? " Me: "Yes. Time flies, doesn't it?"
- I sang a very complicated song to my first graders. The lyrics are: I have lost my closet key, in my lady's garden. That phrase is repeated again. End of song
and hands shoot up all at once. Answer: Toilet. I put on a dvd.
- "Boys and girls, The Syncopated Clock was written in 1945 (pause for audible gasps because life as we know it could not possibly have existed that long ago), way before cell phones were invented. What do you think made that sound in the middle section?
Answer one: cell phone.
Me: "Well, not a cell phone. I know cell phones make that kind of sound, but remember I said that this piece was written in 1945." Another round of gasps of disbelief from the students who weren't listening the first time (most of class).
Answer two: iPhone. (In case you're not familiar with the piece, it's an alarm clock)
- I show the students my glockenspiel and hold it vertically, point to the low bars (which are large) and run my finger up the bars to the top bars (which are smaller). Then I ask,
"What can you tell me about the size of the bars when I go from low (point again) to high (point again).
Answer one: " Low. "
Me: "That is not an answer that relates to size."
Answer two: " High."
Me: "No, that is not an answer that relates to size."
Answer three: "Low and high."
Me: "No. Those are not answers that relate to size no matter what order you say them in. I am asking about the size of the bars. High and/or low are not words that describe a size."
Answer four: "Up."
Me: "Look at the SIZE of each of these pretty, shiny bars. Are some larger than others? Class nods. "Are some smaller than the others? Class nods. "Now look at these pretty, shiny bars one more time. See the top pretty, shiny bar? Now look at the bottom pretty, shiny bar. When I play the pretty, shiny bars from the bottom to the top, or low to high, do they get larger or smaller?"
Final answer: "Higher."
My final question, "What time is this class over?"
- My favorite answers are when I ask if someone knows the meaning of a particular word. Typical response:
For some reason, rhyming words or similar sounding words are considered suitable definitions."Boys and girls, who can tell me what the word 'foil' means?"
Answer one: "Spoil."
Me: "Um, spoil is a rhyming word, not a synonym.
Answer two: "Tin foil." Me;. "Um, no. First of all, it's actually aluminum foil. They haven't made it from tin since, well, for a long time." I didn't want to say 1910 because if 1945 seemed implausible, than 1910 would be incredibly crazy. ) Did you really think about the context of the sentence and how the word foil is used? (We had been learning an old camp ditty about the mean villain who is trying to get rent from the damsel in distress. The hero offers to pay the rent and the last line from the villian is "Curses, foiled again." ) Did you think the hero was going to pay off the villain using tin foil?" Blank stares followed by
Answer three: "Fort." Me: "Hunh?" Or this one:
"Boys and girls. Who can tell me another word for Coda (ending) ?
Answer "Cold."
- Here's what happens when I go for that higher order thinking skills. Marzano would be apoplectic.
Me: " Students, I saw that you were able to anticipate the movements we were doing. Can you tell me how you knew what to do?
Answers: "Beat." " Rhythm". "Pitches."
Me: "I do not want one word answers. I have lost my ability to read minds and have no idea what you mean."
Round two answers; There is beat. High and low. There is rhythm.
Me: "Did you notice any patterns in the music that might have helped us?" Class nods. "Can you tell me how patterns can helped us anticipate the movements we were doing?"
Third round of answers: There was some beats and patterens (sic). Me: "Let's move on."
Yes. Let's move on.
Just when you think it can't be any worse, I had this super fun exchange last week. Here's the the context: I was going to play a Japanese game so I thought I'd show the class a power point I had made called Japan and China: They are not the same country. While looking at the Ring of Fire on the map, I got a little off topic and they wanted to know more about tsunamis. They asked to see a video and I explained it might be difficult to take your iPhone and film a tsunami since it's a fairly large wave. I found a youtube video that showed one far in the distance. Then we got off topic again and talked about the San Andreas fault I showed them a photo.
Student: Is that a tsunami?
Me: No. It's an artichoke dip.
Friday, November 30, 2018
Things I Won't Miss When I Retire
It's hard to believe that I am going to retire after, like, a zillion (40) years in the teaching field. I thought I would retire when the wheels on my walker started to rust and someone had to turn me around so I'd occasionally be facing the sun light, but when I began this school year, I started having thoughts about murdering children's faces or cursing at them in Pig Latin, and it dawned on me that before I committed any actionable offenses that landed me in prison, it would be best that I leave on a less lethal note.
My first step in getting into the retirement mindset was to set about formulating a motto to live by. It came to me in five seconds: If you don't like it/me, don't rehire me next year. That little motto has been helping me keep things in perspective. I didn't show up for tutoring a subject I don't teach or have any interest in ever teaching? Don't hire me next year. I didn't break up a fight between two cruise ship-sized fifth graders? Don't hire me next year. I didn't volunteer for 43 committees? Don't hire me again next year.
I also formulated a goal for the year: Leaving the field without ever having written a lesson plan or posting an essential question. I will be very proud if I accomplish those achievements. I am still trying to puzzle out how kindergarten students are supposed to read an essential question when they can barely puzzle out letters. And I still don't understand why someone needs to see a lesson plan before deciding if you can teach. A beloved principal once said, after I asked her why she didn't ask for my lesson plans: Any idiot can write a lesson plan. I'd add to that: Any idiot can be an administrator.(except her. She was fabulous. Only principal I had in all my elementary teaching years who was worth her weight in gold. Thank you Catherine Harper).
Now that I had a motto and a goal in place, I could set about writing my list of things I will not miss when I retire. After several revisions, I culled the list from 187 to 20. Here it is:
My first step in getting into the retirement mindset was to set about formulating a motto to live by. It came to me in five seconds: If you don't like it/me, don't rehire me next year. That little motto has been helping me keep things in perspective. I didn't show up for tutoring a subject I don't teach or have any interest in ever teaching? Don't hire me next year. I didn't break up a fight between two cruise ship-sized fifth graders? Don't hire me next year. I didn't volunteer for 43 committees? Don't hire me again next year.
I also formulated a goal for the year: Leaving the field without ever having written a lesson plan or posting an essential question. I will be very proud if I accomplish those achievements. I am still trying to puzzle out how kindergarten students are supposed to read an essential question when they can barely puzzle out letters. And I still don't understand why someone needs to see a lesson plan before deciding if you can teach. A beloved principal once said, after I asked her why she didn't ask for my lesson plans: Any idiot can write a lesson plan. I'd add to that: Any idiot can be an administrator.(except her. She was fabulous. Only principal I had in all my elementary teaching years who was worth her weight in gold. Thank you Catherine Harper).
Now that I had a motto and a goal in place, I could set about writing my list of things I will not miss when I retire. After several revisions, I culled the list from 187 to 20. Here it is:
- Perpetual whining
- The refrains: He's looking at me She skipped me or the synonymous He cut me .
- Tortured use of the English language: Her/him hit me; Give me that, it's mines; You nasty; and I didn't do nothing.
- The word stop dragged out to elebenty hundred gazookian syllables Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwp!
- Nutball answers:
- After teaching the song Let Us Chase the Squirrels and explaining what hickory nuts are, I ask, "Class, can you name another tree that produces nuts?" Answers: orange tree, apple tree, pear tree, strawberry tree, and, from somewhere deep in the end zone....cereal breakfast bar.
- Me to fifth grade: "What country is south of us?" Answers: Michigan, Africa, Georgia and Mexican, which prompts the fifth grade teacher who was sitting in the back of the room to smack her head and slump over in her chair.
- Me in same fifth grade class: IF the half note gets two beats and the dot gets one-half of the value of the half note, what is the value of the dot? In other words, how many beat (I purposely don't say beats, thinking they might get the hint, but then quickly realize that the incorrect grammar wouldn't register) does the dot get: Answers: 3, 1/3, 6 I ask again, this time adding: the dot is the same value as 1/2 of 2. What's the value of the dot? Answers: 1/3, 6, 3 (note the different order now) , 2 and 1/2. Same fifth grade teacher starts to pray.
- Class, what language do they speak in Mexico? Answer: Mexican
- What country do you think this song is from? Answer: Africa (Africa as an answer anytime you ask for a country name. Mexico is the second default answer, but at least its a country)
- Can you name some of the other religions in the world? Answers: Hannukah (presumably because I had a menorah on display and we were earning the dreydl game), American, Christmas and .... religion.
- While explaining the dreydl game, .... Class, you have to take half the number of whatever's in the pot. There are 9 counting chips in the pot What would half of that be/ Answers: 3, 2 ,18 and.....what do you mean by half? (can you hear me slap my head now?)
- Fifth grade, why are there 365 days a year? Answer: Technology. Me: This system was devised years and years before technology. Answers: Because there are months. Because there is day and night. The weather. Me: What do you know about the earth and its rotation around the sun? It goes dark and light. Ms. J, what are the flat Earthers? Me: blank stare followed by a heavy sigh, finishing with eye roll
- While reading the book There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Bell, I ask third grade for another way to pronounce the word bow. Answer one: boh Me: No, that's exactly how it's pronounced in the story. Answer two: boh. Me: No, that answer was wrong two seconds ago and, remarkably, it still is. Answer three: Rhythm
6. Non-stop tattling
7. Parents who forget to give their hyperactive children their meds
8. Kids who need meds but don't take them
9. Not being able to tell parents to medicate their children
10. Hall duty or any kind of duty
11. Teachers who pick their kids up late, yet always get them to you at least 2 minutes early
12. Having to get to school on time, but meetings that never end on time.
13. Meetings of any kind
14. Micromanaging administrators
15. Administrators who are 12 years old and have taught a total of 8 minutes (which is why they micromanage. )
16. Emails that address us as family and/or wild animal
- Dear Cougar family please pray for the custodian's sister's brother-in-law's cousin twice removed who was funeralized on yesterday (see grammatical errors I hate)
- Welcome back Wildcat family; I hope you had a pawsitively wonderful break (wild animals plus cutesy puns are even worse)
- Enjoy your well-deserved break Panther cubs Please make sure to keep your dens locked.
- Hello Rodent Family. Has anyone seen my pencil/stapler/tape dispenser? I'm going to piggy back onto this one because I said I only had 20----people who respond with reply all and then you have to empty your mailbox of all the : I saw it; I didn't see it; Sorry you can't find it; Do you want to borrow mines (sic); I used it to staple a student to a chair
17. The word awesome
18 . Having to give all sorts of awards to children for behaving the way they're supposed to behave
19. Getting up an insanely early hour and then driving to work in the dark
20. CHILDREN
20. CHILDREN
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Phuc Ewe
Well, winter holidays have ended and now it's time for the kids to start their journey to bonkersville. January is 11 weeks long and it's just packed with fun. The beginning of the year starts off with a whiff or normalcy; but as the year progresses, the kids start to form coalitions that are at war with each other and every week there is a new grievance that had started on the bus and escalates to volcanic proportions by time they come to specials. January is the month that starts the steep downward journey to hair pulling time---mine and theirs.
At my worst performing school I have a class and a half of 36 EIP, IEP and LMNOPs . There are two teachers in one of the classes and one in the other, so it takes three teachers to teach this group, but it's my great joy to be the only adult in the room.
My classroom is outside the building in a portable. I can hear these kids coming from their distant galaxy a few minutes before they land on my planet. The EIP teacher walks her seven kids into my room, stands at the doorway and makes sure they are calm. The other teacher stands about 15 feet from my door and watches them run into my room like cheetahs chasing after their pray. That's when the fun begins. One of her students will play a game of let me shove you into the wall with the nearest student. The other student is usually ok with the game until one of them goes too far and then a fight breaks out. I used to try to break up the fights, but now I just stand back and let them duke it out. If it look like one of the kids might be getting injured I'll step in, but the last fight I broke up, I wound up hurting my leg.
I have gone to the administration about the class size (one less than the state limit, which is 37. Now that's a whole other story. Who the hell thinks that 37 is a perfectly reasonable number of students in one classroom, especially in a school with a very disadvantaged population) and the mix of kids and the fact that there are three teachers for two classes and only one of me, but all I get is a sigh and a shrug in response, so every week I have to ring the buzzer to call for one of the two discipline parapros to come and haul away the pugilists.. I'm thinking of changing my specials area name to Joe Lewis Day Camp.
What's in a name? I'll tell you At the Joe Lewis Day Camp, it's phonics in a whole new way. A colleague at a neighboring school for wayward children has a student named Diarre and it's pronounced Jeeahdah and the student was mighty angry when she couldn't pronounce it. I would've pronounced it diarrhea, so that probably wouldn't have gone over very well, either. I have another student named JJuliette, because why use one J when two is so much better. But my all time favorite is this gem: NVMEMsBerthaMay. When I first heard it, I was, um, doubtful, but the onsite teacher pulled up the name in the data base and there it was. And the kicker is--the last name is Jones.
Today I got a new student in kindergarten, who was apparently sent from a land under the sea because all he did was swim around on my carpet like a baby seal. When I finally got him to sit with the class I asked him his name. He said, Puck." I wanted to make sure I heard him correctly because Puck is not a usual name in my community and I was reasonably sure his parents weren't avid Shakespeare fans. I asked him to spell it. He said, " PHUC." This kid is not Vietnamese and has not one Vietnamese relative, neighbor or friend. He's home grown.
And yesterday, or on yesterday as they say in my part of the bizarro grammar universe, I was playing a game with my fifth grade called Bump up Tomato, which is essentially a silly game where one student tries to make another student laugh but is not allowed to talk while doing so.. It was a hit with my classes, so I thought I'd try it with my most difficult fifth graders. This fifth grade class is academically on par with the Joe Lewis kids.. They are all elite members of RTI (response to intervention, which means they are essentially as academically gifted as a tree stump.). They have zero social skills and spend the majority of their time in my class insulting each other or devising activities that will prepare them for life as a matador. We started playing the game and the kids were having fun. At least, I think they were because they had stopped poking and shoving each other., which is always a good thing. Then, the boy standing next to me told a student who was unsuccessfully trying to get another student to laugh to "teabag him." Only recently had I found out what tea bagging.is and I can assure you that I got through a long single dating life and a long married life without knowledge about this activity and feel like I didn't miss anything. But, um, fifth grade? Is this something they need to know?
So this class knows a lot about sexual activities I am still learning about, (and I came of age in the free love 60s), but when it comes to writing, that's another story. One day I decided to try a new behavior strategy because the other 593 had not worked so well. When the students did something awful, I was going to have them write, "Today in music I ______ (description of offense) because_____. This assignment would go home and to make sure it did, I tell them I will call home to let their parents know that I expected the assignment to be signed and returned. I wrote the assignment on the board and within five minutes, found my first miscreant. I handed him a piece of paper and pencil and told him to get to work. He sat down, started at the board for a disturbingly long time, and finally started to write on the paper, Eventually he came up to me and showed me what he had written. He had not copied any word correctly. I said that because is not spelled becus. He looked at me and said, "What? What did I do wrong." After pointing to each misspelled word and showing him the corresponding word in the English language, he begrudgingly corrected his paper He brought it back to me, but he hadn't filled in the blanks. I explained that just copying what I wrote was only the first part; he needed to fill in the blanks. I got another blank stare. I told him to sit by the board and read what I had written and see if he could figure out what I wanted. I saw his pencil move again, but when he handed me his completed work, for the life of me, I have no idea what he wrote. Reading it gave me a greater understanding of what severe dyslexics must experience.
PML *
*phuc my life
At my worst performing school I have a class and a half of 36 EIP, IEP and LMNOPs . There are two teachers in one of the classes and one in the other, so it takes three teachers to teach this group, but it's my great joy to be the only adult in the room.
My classroom is outside the building in a portable. I can hear these kids coming from their distant galaxy a few minutes before they land on my planet. The EIP teacher walks her seven kids into my room, stands at the doorway and makes sure they are calm. The other teacher stands about 15 feet from my door and watches them run into my room like cheetahs chasing after their pray. That's when the fun begins. One of her students will play a game of let me shove you into the wall with the nearest student. The other student is usually ok with the game until one of them goes too far and then a fight breaks out. I used to try to break up the fights, but now I just stand back and let them duke it out. If it look like one of the kids might be getting injured I'll step in, but the last fight I broke up, I wound up hurting my leg.
I have gone to the administration about the class size (one less than the state limit, which is 37. Now that's a whole other story. Who the hell thinks that 37 is a perfectly reasonable number of students in one classroom, especially in a school with a very disadvantaged population) and the mix of kids and the fact that there are three teachers for two classes and only one of me, but all I get is a sigh and a shrug in response, so every week I have to ring the buzzer to call for one of the two discipline parapros to come and haul away the pugilists.. I'm thinking of changing my specials area name to Joe Lewis Day Camp.
What's in a name? I'll tell you At the Joe Lewis Day Camp, it's phonics in a whole new way. A colleague at a neighboring school for wayward children has a student named Diarre and it's pronounced Jeeahdah and the student was mighty angry when she couldn't pronounce it. I would've pronounced it diarrhea, so that probably wouldn't have gone over very well, either. I have another student named JJuliette, because why use one J when two is so much better. But my all time favorite is this gem: NVMEMsBerthaMay. When I first heard it, I was, um, doubtful, but the onsite teacher pulled up the name in the data base and there it was. And the kicker is--the last name is Jones.
Today I got a new student in kindergarten, who was apparently sent from a land under the sea because all he did was swim around on my carpet like a baby seal. When I finally got him to sit with the class I asked him his name. He said, Puck." I wanted to make sure I heard him correctly because Puck is not a usual name in my community and I was reasonably sure his parents weren't avid Shakespeare fans. I asked him to spell it. He said, " PHUC." This kid is not Vietnamese and has not one Vietnamese relative, neighbor or friend. He's home grown.
And yesterday, or on yesterday as they say in my part of the bizarro grammar universe, I was playing a game with my fifth grade called Bump up Tomato, which is essentially a silly game where one student tries to make another student laugh but is not allowed to talk while doing so.. It was a hit with my classes, so I thought I'd try it with my most difficult fifth graders. This fifth grade class is academically on par with the Joe Lewis kids.. They are all elite members of RTI (response to intervention, which means they are essentially as academically gifted as a tree stump.). They have zero social skills and spend the majority of their time in my class insulting each other or devising activities that will prepare them for life as a matador. We started playing the game and the kids were having fun. At least, I think they were because they had stopped poking and shoving each other., which is always a good thing. Then, the boy standing next to me told a student who was unsuccessfully trying to get another student to laugh to "teabag him." Only recently had I found out what tea bagging.is and I can assure you that I got through a long single dating life and a long married life without knowledge about this activity and feel like I didn't miss anything. But, um, fifth grade? Is this something they need to know?
So this class knows a lot about sexual activities I am still learning about, (and I came of age in the free love 60s), but when it comes to writing, that's another story. One day I decided to try a new behavior strategy because the other 593 had not worked so well. When the students did something awful, I was going to have them write, "Today in music I ______ (description of offense) because_____. This assignment would go home and to make sure it did, I tell them I will call home to let their parents know that I expected the assignment to be signed and returned. I wrote the assignment on the board and within five minutes, found my first miscreant. I handed him a piece of paper and pencil and told him to get to work. He sat down, started at the board for a disturbingly long time, and finally started to write on the paper, Eventually he came up to me and showed me what he had written. He had not copied any word correctly. I said that because is not spelled becus. He looked at me and said, "What? What did I do wrong." After pointing to each misspelled word and showing him the corresponding word in the English language, he begrudgingly corrected his paper He brought it back to me, but he hadn't filled in the blanks. I explained that just copying what I wrote was only the first part; he needed to fill in the blanks. I got another blank stare. I told him to sit by the board and read what I had written and see if he could figure out what I wanted. I saw his pencil move again, but when he handed me his completed work, for the life of me, I have no idea what he wrote. Reading it gave me a greater understanding of what severe dyslexics must experience.
PML *
*phuc my life
Friday, December 15, 2017
It's Almost Winter Break, So It's Time For: The Twelve Things That Horrify Children
1 Looking at someone
. Student: Mrs. J., G-Day is looking at me. (that's the kid's name. For real. And it's
pronounced just like it looks. I wonder if his parents wanted to call him God damnit,
but chickened out at the last minute.)
Me: Ok, then look back at him.
2. Laughing at someone
Student: STOOOOOOOP.
Me: What's the problem?
Student: Gerrard is laughing at me.
Me: Well, that's better than smirking at you.
Student: What's smirking?
Me: Look it up.
3. Sitting in someone's assigned spot
Student Mrs. J., Stefan is sitting in my spot.
Me. Tell him to go to his assigned spot.
Student: Moooooove.
Me: You might try telling him nicely.
Student? Why?
Me: Stefan, would you mind moving to your assigned seat. ( Student moves to his
assigned seat) See what happens when you ask nicely?
Student: Yeah, that's because you asked him.
4. Sitting in someone's not assigned spot.
Student Mrs. J,. Zaryyanaa is sitting in my seat. I was there first.
Me: We have no assigned seat in circle time.
Student: Well, we should.
Me: Fine. Make up a seating chart for me.
Student: I can't. I don't know how to write yet.
Me: Well, when you learn, then I'll use a seating chart for circle time.
5. Breathing on someone
Student: STOOOOOOOP. STOOOOOP!
Me: Someone in Alabama just woke up from his nap. What's the problem?
Student: Jahnasia breathed on me.
Me: Jahnasia, don't breathe until you leave my class.
Student: Then I'll die.
Me: Ok. Take a breath when you feel like you're going to pass out. A minute passes
and I hear a loud gasp.
Me: What's going on Jahnasia?
Student: I felt like I was going to pass out.
Me: Very well then. Carry on.
6. Coughing on someone
Student: Mrs. J., Coreanda coughed on my neck.
Me: Coreanda, please cough on Jamon's elbow.
7. Doing something the teacher said not to do.
Student: Mrs. J, Saryiah touched your drum.
Me: Thank you for being the best tattle teller in the whole wide world. You may now
move your seat to the tattle tell corner and tell the desk all about it.
8. Getting in front of someone when walking single file
Student: He cut me.
Me: Where's it bleeding?
Student: No, he cut me.
Me: If he cut you, there should be blood.
Student: No, he walked in front of me.
Me: Well, he certainly can't walk through you.
Student: But I was ahead of him.
Me: And now you're behind him.
Student: But..
Me: Please tell me how the view from where you are now is significantly different from
where you had been. Is the back of this head that much different?
Student: But he cut me. I mean skipped.
Me: Will you arrive alive at the same destination?
Student: Yes.
Me: If you walk in my room before he does, will you get a prize?
Student: No.
Me: Will you get a large sum of money if you get to my room after he does?
Student: No.
Me: So then it shouldn't be a problem.
Student: But he....
Me: Fine. I'll take out my phone and call the skipping police.
Discussion concludes
9. Accidentally touching someone
Student: Loud, piercing scream.
Me: I assume you have a problem?
Student: Sharonda touched me.
Me: On purpose?
Student: Yes!
Sharonda: No I Didn't.
Student: Yes you did.
1/2 of class She did.
Other 1/2 No, she didn't.
Me: I'm calling Grady Hospital. I'll tell them that you are severely injured and need
life support.
Student: What?
Me: I just told them to send their medevac unit.
Student: What's that?
Me: That's when they send a helicopter to pick up severely injured people.
Discussion concludes.
10 Messing with someone
Student: He's messing with me.
Me: What does that mean? Is he hitting you?
Student: No.
Me: Is he threatening your safety?
Student: No.
Me: Is he threatening to beat you up after school or cause you bodily harm?
Student: No.
Me: Is he threatening to kidnap someone in your family.
Student: No.
Me: So, then what?
Student: He's messing with me.
Me: Let me know when he's done making a mess.
11 Talking to someone
Student: Mrs. J., Zaryiah's talking to me.
Me: And?
Student: She's talking to me.
Me: So you've said. How many people does it take to have a conversation?
Student: Um, I don't know. Two?
Me: So if you don't talk back to her, how many people would remain?
Student? Two?
Me: Think again.
Student: Is this a take away problem? (This is the third grade class that is clearly
mathematically challenged. When trying to teach them the dreydl game,
you have to perform an super hard, upper level, disastrously difficult function
of dividing a number in half. I asked what half one one was and got these
answers: 100. 1/4. 150. 3. And those were the reasonable answers So clearly
this should be a take me away problem.)
Me: Yes. In every sense of those words.
Student: Is one the answer?
Me: Yes. So if there's only one person talking and the other person doesn't talk, then
the person talking would look kind of foolish, right?
Student: Yes.
Me: So, what should you do?
Student: Stop talking.
Me: Yes. In every sense of those words.
12. This is the best one yet. Singing into someone's hair.
Student: Mrs. J., Ja'da sang into my hair.
Me" Oh. My. GAWD! I walk over to a student who is wearing a bun and start singing into
her hair. When I'm done, I ask her if her hair hurt. She says no. I ask her if her eyes
fell out of her head. She says no. I ask her if she was in any pain. She says no.
I ask if anyone wants to sing into my hair. One brave kindergartener raises his hand
and comes to starts to sing the lyrics to the song I use when I want the students to sit
in their assigned seats--Ain't That Love, performed by Diane Schurr. (I use certain
pieces of music for transitioning and the kids love this song.) The little girl that
volunteered to sing into my hair actually knew all the lyrics so I let her finish the song
outside of my hair. She was amazing, and by the time she was finished, the traumatic
event had passed.
And this little nugget: We were standing in a circle holding hands, the first grade boy next to me says, " " Mrs. J. I like old people. I like the way they look." Then he starts giving my hand little kisses.
Not sure whether I'm flattered or insulted. Maybe a bit of both.
. I'm ready for the winter holiday break.
. Student: Mrs. J., G-Day is looking at me. (that's the kid's name. For real. And it's
pronounced just like it looks. I wonder if his parents wanted to call him God damnit,
but chickened out at the last minute.)
Me: Ok, then look back at him.
2. Laughing at someone
Student: STOOOOOOOP.
Me: What's the problem?
Student: Gerrard is laughing at me.
Me: Well, that's better than smirking at you.
Student: What's smirking?
Me: Look it up.
3. Sitting in someone's assigned spot
Student Mrs. J., Stefan is sitting in my spot.
Me. Tell him to go to his assigned spot.
Student: Moooooove.
Me: You might try telling him nicely.
Student? Why?
Me: Stefan, would you mind moving to your assigned seat. ( Student moves to his
assigned seat) See what happens when you ask nicely?
Student: Yeah, that's because you asked him.
4. Sitting in someone's not assigned spot.
Student Mrs. J,. Zaryyanaa is sitting in my seat. I was there first.
Me: We have no assigned seat in circle time.
Student: Well, we should.
Me: Fine. Make up a seating chart for me.
Student: I can't. I don't know how to write yet.
Me: Well, when you learn, then I'll use a seating chart for circle time.
5. Breathing on someone
Student: STOOOOOOOP. STOOOOOP!
Me: Someone in Alabama just woke up from his nap. What's the problem?
Student: Jahnasia breathed on me.
Me: Jahnasia, don't breathe until you leave my class.
Student: Then I'll die.
Me: Ok. Take a breath when you feel like you're going to pass out. A minute passes
and I hear a loud gasp.
Me: What's going on Jahnasia?
Student: I felt like I was going to pass out.
Me: Very well then. Carry on.
6. Coughing on someone
Student: Mrs. J., Coreanda coughed on my neck.
Me: Coreanda, please cough on Jamon's elbow.
7. Doing something the teacher said not to do.
Student: Mrs. J, Saryiah touched your drum.
Me: Thank you for being the best tattle teller in the whole wide world. You may now
move your seat to the tattle tell corner and tell the desk all about it.
8. Getting in front of someone when walking single file
Student: He cut me.
Me: Where's it bleeding?
Student: No, he cut me.
Me: If he cut you, there should be blood.
Student: No, he walked in front of me.
Me: Well, he certainly can't walk through you.
Student: But I was ahead of him.
Me: And now you're behind him.
Student: But..
Me: Please tell me how the view from where you are now is significantly different from
where you had been. Is the back of this head that much different?
Student: But he cut me. I mean skipped.
Me: Will you arrive alive at the same destination?
Student: Yes.
Me: If you walk in my room before he does, will you get a prize?
Student: No.
Me: Will you get a large sum of money if you get to my room after he does?
Student: No.
Me: So then it shouldn't be a problem.
Student: But he....
Me: Fine. I'll take out my phone and call the skipping police.
Discussion concludes
9. Accidentally touching someone
Student: Loud, piercing scream.
Me: I assume you have a problem?
Student: Sharonda touched me.
Me: On purpose?
Student: Yes!
Sharonda: No I Didn't.
Student: Yes you did.
1/2 of class She did.
Other 1/2 No, she didn't.
Me: I'm calling Grady Hospital. I'll tell them that you are severely injured and need
life support.
Student: What?
Me: I just told them to send their medevac unit.
Student: What's that?
Me: That's when they send a helicopter to pick up severely injured people.
Discussion concludes.
10 Messing with someone
Student: He's messing with me.
Me: What does that mean? Is he hitting you?
Student: No.
Me: Is he threatening your safety?
Student: No.
Me: Is he threatening to beat you up after school or cause you bodily harm?
Student: No.
Me: Is he threatening to kidnap someone in your family.
Student: No.
Me: So, then what?
Student: He's messing with me.
Me: Let me know when he's done making a mess.
11 Talking to someone
Student: Mrs. J., Zaryiah's talking to me.
Me: And?
Student: She's talking to me.
Me: So you've said. How many people does it take to have a conversation?
Student: Um, I don't know. Two?
Me: So if you don't talk back to her, how many people would remain?
Student? Two?
Me: Think again.
Student: Is this a take away problem? (This is the third grade class that is clearly
mathematically challenged. When trying to teach them the dreydl game,
you have to perform an super hard, upper level, disastrously difficult function
of dividing a number in half. I asked what half one one was and got these
answers: 100. 1/4. 150. 3. And those were the reasonable answers So clearly
this should be a take me away problem.)
Me: Yes. In every sense of those words.
Student: Is one the answer?
Me: Yes. So if there's only one person talking and the other person doesn't talk, then
the person talking would look kind of foolish, right?
Student: Yes.
Me: So, what should you do?
Student: Stop talking.
Me: Yes. In every sense of those words.
12. This is the best one yet. Singing into someone's hair.
Student: Mrs. J., Ja'da sang into my hair.
Me" Oh. My. GAWD! I walk over to a student who is wearing a bun and start singing into
her hair. When I'm done, I ask her if her hair hurt. She says no. I ask her if her eyes
fell out of her head. She says no. I ask her if she was in any pain. She says no.
I ask if anyone wants to sing into my hair. One brave kindergartener raises his hand
and comes to starts to sing the lyrics to the song I use when I want the students to sit
in their assigned seats--Ain't That Love, performed by Diane Schurr. (I use certain
pieces of music for transitioning and the kids love this song.) The little girl that
volunteered to sing into my hair actually knew all the lyrics so I let her finish the song
outside of my hair. She was amazing, and by the time she was finished, the traumatic
event had passed.
And this little nugget: We were standing in a circle holding hands, the first grade boy next to me says, " " Mrs. J. I like old people. I like the way they look." Then he starts giving my hand little kisses.
Not sure whether I'm flattered or insulted. Maybe a bit of both.
. I'm ready for the winter holiday break.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
S**T My Students Say
Me: Today we are going to listen to a piece of music that has no words but tells a story. Do you have any ideas how that's possible?
Students: Blank stares
Me: Do you have any ideas about how music can tell a story without using words?
Student 1: Beat
Me: I'm not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate.
Student 1: Shoulder shrug
I get "beat" as a first answer to anything I ask about music. I have no idea what they're trying to say because I'm not good with mind reading, especially when I think there is probably a bunch of Taki chips gumming up their neural transmitters.
Student 2: Play
Student 3 responds to that answer by telling the air that he once saw a play.
Me: Can you expand upon that answer? Are you trying to say that plays have no words? Are you trying to say that the music is a play?
Student 3: I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. Play.
Me: So, if I acted out a play without using words, how would that work? I stand there and emote wordlessly.
Class: Giggles
Me; Anyone else have any ideas?
Student 4: High and low
That's the second answer I get after I explain that beat is not the correct answer.
Me: I need to have some complete sentences. I do not know what you mean when you answer me with one word.
Student 4: Those are two words.
Me: Actually those are three words, but those are three words in search of a sentence. Can you lead them to one?
Class: more blank stares.
I tell the class the story of Peer Gynt and lead them through a movement activity to the music. I ask the question again after we have finished.
Me: So how did the music tell the story?
Student 5: There was running in it.
Me: How do you know?
Student 5: Because you ran
Me: Yes, that's true, but did something in the music indicate a chase or running?
Student 5: Yes. You told us the story.
Me: Listen carefully to my question. I repeat my question a little louder, the way people shout at a person when they find out he is deaf.
Student 5: Beat
Me: Constantly repeating the same questions has depleted my energy source. I am going to stare at the sun.
Class: There are no windows in the room.
Me: I know. See you later.
While looking at a rhythm exercise that we were going to perform with Feurfest Polka I was pointing out some of the directions and having the students read them on rhythm syllables. The meter is in 4 and there were two measures of rest with repeat signs and directions that said to repeat them four times.
Me: How many beats of rest do you see here?
Student 1: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.....7
Me: Count again.
Student 1: 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7 ohhhh-8
Me: Very good. The directions indicate that those 8 beats will be repeated 4 times for a total of how many beats:
Student 2: Eight
Me: I point to the two measures and say that there are eight beats here, but they will be repeated four times. Eight can not possibly be the right answer.
Student 3. One
Me: How could one possibly be an answer when there we just counted out 8 beats.
Student 3: Eight
Me: No. I said no the first time and I won't change my mind.
Student 4 : Sixteen
Me: Warmer, but still no.
Student 5: Eight
Me: Nope and still nope.
Student 6: Seven
Me: PLEASE listen to my question and then do NOT raise your hand until I say ok. I put my thinking cap on ( I have a stupid little beanie with the words Do Not Disturb. I Am Thinking Now.)
I dramatically pull off the hat.
Student 8: Eight
Me: Oy
Student 9: Thirty-two.
Me: I faint
Students: Blank stares
Me: Do you have any ideas about how music can tell a story without using words?
Student 1: Beat
Me: I'm not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate.
Student 1: Shoulder shrug
I get "beat" as a first answer to anything I ask about music. I have no idea what they're trying to say because I'm not good with mind reading, especially when I think there is probably a bunch of Taki chips gumming up their neural transmitters.
Student 2: Play
Student 3 responds to that answer by telling the air that he once saw a play.
Me: Can you expand upon that answer? Are you trying to say that plays have no words? Are you trying to say that the music is a play?
Student 3: I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. Play.
Me: So, if I acted out a play without using words, how would that work? I stand there and emote wordlessly.
Class: Giggles
Me; Anyone else have any ideas?
Student 4: High and low
That's the second answer I get after I explain that beat is not the correct answer.
Me: I need to have some complete sentences. I do not know what you mean when you answer me with one word.
Student 4: Those are two words.
Me: Actually those are three words, but those are three words in search of a sentence. Can you lead them to one?
Class: more blank stares.
I tell the class the story of Peer Gynt and lead them through a movement activity to the music. I ask the question again after we have finished.
Me: So how did the music tell the story?
Student 5: There was running in it.
Me: How do you know?
Student 5: Because you ran
Me: Yes, that's true, but did something in the music indicate a chase or running?
Student 5: Yes. You told us the story.
Me: Listen carefully to my question. I repeat my question a little louder, the way people shout at a person when they find out he is deaf.
Student 5: Beat
Me: Constantly repeating the same questions has depleted my energy source. I am going to stare at the sun.
Class: There are no windows in the room.
Me: I know. See you later.
While looking at a rhythm exercise that we were going to perform with Feurfest Polka I was pointing out some of the directions and having the students read them on rhythm syllables. The meter is in 4 and there were two measures of rest with repeat signs and directions that said to repeat them four times.
Me: How many beats of rest do you see here?
Student 1: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.....7
Me: Count again.
Student 1: 1, 2,3,4,5,6,7 ohhhh-8
Me: Very good. The directions indicate that those 8 beats will be repeated 4 times for a total of how many beats:
Student 2: Eight
Me: I point to the two measures and say that there are eight beats here, but they will be repeated four times. Eight can not possibly be the right answer.
Student 3. One
Me: How could one possibly be an answer when there we just counted out 8 beats.
Student 3: Eight
Me: No. I said no the first time and I won't change my mind.
Student 4 : Sixteen
Me: Warmer, but still no.
Student 5: Eight
Me: Nope and still nope.
Student 6: Seven
Me: PLEASE listen to my question and then do NOT raise your hand until I say ok. I put my thinking cap on ( I have a stupid little beanie with the words Do Not Disturb. I Am Thinking Now.)
I dramatically pull off the hat.
Student 8: Eight
Me: Oy
Student 9: Thirty-two.
Me: I faint
Saturday, June 24, 2017
And So it Goes...
1. September. A fifth grade student accused me of telling the class that,"White lives matter. Black lives don't." He also claimed that I pointed my finger like a gun, said, "Bang bang," and pretended to shoot the class. Because fifth graders are known truth tellers, the principal asked me for my version. I told her I had wagged my index finger and thumb in a pointing gesture, and mouthed"please be quiet" to a student and then put my fingers on my hip. I didn't intend for the gesture to look like a gun; I was just being a little dramatic by pretending to put my pointing finger in a pretend holster. I understand how the story got started, but it evolved into pure crazy fairly quickly.
The next day I got called into the principal's office at my home school and listened on speaker phone to a person in the county tell us that I was being accused of something VERY serious and I would be put on immediate paid leave. As my principal perp walked me out the door, I broke into tears as soon as I got outside.
The following day I was called to the county office and interviewed by an investigator.( I had been through this process last year when a student accused me of slapping his hands away from his face. He had been a pain in the rear during class so when the students were lined up I took him out of the line and told him his behavior had been awful. When I asked him to explain himself he put his hands up, covering his mouth, and I had a difficult time understanding him. I asked him to put his hands by his side and he wouldn't, so I took his hands away from his mouth in order to understand him. Luckily the entire class witnessed the even, so the investigator concluded it was a non issue.) I waited over 3 hours in the lobby before the investigator showed up and followed her to a tiny room.where I shared my story of the events. I showed her how I pointed my fingers and she said, "Do you always point like that?" I said, "Well, only for the last 38 years of my teaching career." She seems sympathetic, but I leave feeling like I wanted to work as a Wal-mart greeter.
Two days later I'm again summoned to report to the crack investigative team of Doofus and Buttssky, the investigator plus the head of personnel. They produce a bunch of papers written without the use of very many verbs in a language resembling a blend of Welch and Basque. If there were verbs they were in the present pluperfect past subjunctive conditional tense, Apparently, the entire class corroborated the story, which was weird because at the time I was facing only that one student who was sitting way off to the side of the room,and my body was turned away from the rest of the class. That meant that these little truth tellers were presenting alternate facts. My punishment was one day unpaid leave and I returned the following Monday. In total I had three days of paid leave (yay) and one day unpaid (meh).
On Monday morning, I walked by that fifth grade class in the cafeteria and heard whispers of "that's the teacher who whip (sic) a gun at us." After I signed in, the principal told me the onsite music teacher would take that class. In return I got the best second grade class. That was ok by me.
2. October: During Halloween I was doing an activity with my fourth grade using Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King." I've done the same lesson as long as I've taught elementary school. It's the one lesson the kids always ask about. I wear an ogre mask, turn out the lights and say "Boo." The kids scream and ask me to do it again and again. Bu this time I apparently "traumatized" a kid. I told the art teacher and she showed me the monster masks they were making in fourth grade, so I was kind of surprised when I was immediately removed from that school and given a 4 day work week.
3. Ongoing. I broke up 5 fights at my Friday school. Causes ranged from someone looking at someone else, an argument about a toy, and someone saying something about someone else. Sounds like reasonable excuses to lose control and go postal. During one fight, I was trying to restrain a small, but very strong fourth grader and just when I thought I had him calm, he broke loose, jumped on his target and started to pummel his head into the floor. I had to pull his hair to get him to stop before he did serious damage.
4. December. The principal at my home school called in the specialists for a meeting to tell us that we would tutor at- risk students during our planning period. She went around the table asking what we thought. The long term art sub (for some reason, the school didn't hire an art teacher this year) who was pregnant and going to deliver at any minute said she thought it was a great idea. She had nothing to lose by sucking up because she would soon be on maternity leave. The onsite PE teacher wasn't there but the poor, flustered itinerant PE teacher mumbled something about losing our planning period. I kept my head down, staring at specks on the carpet hoping that she didn't notice me. I guess that only works when there are more than 3 people in the room. When she cornered me, I said that I lacked the skill set to teach reading and math (What I wanted to say was, "I'm so glad I went to college and got several advanced degrees so I could become a music educator. Why don't you come and help me work on improvisational skills in my classroom. Isn't that what your background is in? Oh, wait I forgot. You got a degree from some online diploma mill and taught 5 minutes so that you could run a school with the skill set the size of the Trump family. ..although in my head I added lots of curse words as well) She said, Oh, that's ok." There's a script and you just follow it." So, let me get this straight. You just need a script to teach reading and math? Sounds like something Betsy Devos would say. Luckily, my principal is not one to stay on top of things--she had Happy Halloween signs on her door until the last day of school. She implemented the program a month before high stakes testing because, as we all know, cramming is the best way to prepare for a test.
5. November. 48% of the people in this country elected a traffic cone as president. Now instead of just having to teach in stressful schools, the news is filled with a daily s**t storm of wtf as he and his genetically modified army warrior ants march us into the 19th century. I stayed in bed for three days. The fall of the Roman Empire is here.
6. March. My laptop committed suicide. I had filled out the required request for service forms at least 5 times but the county has cut the number of tech people as they arm more and more small children with mobile device that they use--no kidding--to take pics of their gherkin- sized genitalia. I explained that my laptop was freezing and blacking out and making strange, gurgling noises. The county's fix is to reimage and I said it had already been tried, but it got a lobotomy again and when it came back to me the door of the CD drive broke off and my USB ports stopped working. " Couldn't I get a new one, I asked?" "No, you have the newest model," the tech answered. But that wasn't true; new teachers got the newer models. My model was considered new if you voted for Franklin Roosevelt. Finally the tech at my Wednesday school found me a working laptop . It's still the older model, so I kept the suicidal one at home as a spare. I use it mainly as a paperweight.
7 April. Stopped teaching music the first week in April because high stakes testing either obliterated my classes or they were shortened to 20 minute, which meant the kids came in, sat down, and lined back up. After testing days, my Friday school hauled my portable away so the on site teacher and I had the pleasure of having 60+ students in one room. Another of my schools announced that music classes would be showing some kind of videos from Youtube students would dance along with (i'm still trying to digest that one) I think the PE classes were doing war games and art classes were finger painting with concrete and I thanked the administration for dictating our lessons., and I use that term loosely.
8. May. The admin team has been escorting the fifth graders at my Friday school to their specials now because their behavior has been so awful. I had two admin in my room because the onsite teacher and I had combined classes .The onsite teacher and I quickly figured out that we shouldn't be showing a movie, so I decided we'd play a few music games. During the first game , a student lost a round and was eliminated so he called me a f**ing b**ch. I went to the back of the room and told the two administrators what the student had said to me. They looked up from their cell phones and facebook and said, "write him up." That was after they gave a speech to the class that they would send anyone home who was disruptive or a discipline issue. I guess calling a teacher a charming epithet doesn't belong in either of those categories. The only pleasure I got out of the situation was getting to write both words on a discipline form without using asterisks
The following week I asked the onsite teacher if that student had been suspended. She said he hadn't been. I told her I was going to the AP to follow up. The beleaguered AP said that all admin had been in the fifth grade hall daily from morning until dismissal because the students were on lock down after 18 out of 119 students had passed the high stakes test I was surprised I thought there would only have been 7. But my estimate was somewhat correct because all 18 had passed with the minimum passing scores. Now the remaining students were busy cramming for summer school so that they could pass the retest. The principal's salary and probably her job depended on test scores. At the end of the day, I finally found the AP and to my astonishment her office had the three worst students in that fifth grade group: My Potty Mouth, Mr Crazy, whose behavior is indistinguishable from a crack addict and Mr. Criminally Insane who stole stuff all the time-- important stuff like the little rubber piece on the bottom of the bongito stand or bars from the xylophone. Some day he will become a magpie. The AP apologized for not suspending Mr. Potty Mouth because she was on sentry duty in the fifth grade hall.
I found out that the principal's salary is also based on reducing suspension rates. That means that a few students in every class would hold their classmates hostage while they acted out scenes from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I suggested that they hire an in-school suspension person who would sit with the disruptive ducks and supervise them while they worked in silence. The test scores would probably improve if teachers were allowed to focus on those students who can sit still and learn. But no, there "aren't enough resources. I think there are too many administrators.
9, Late May. Got an email from my second worst school whose subject line was "students will remain inside." The body of the email said, "Gun shots were heard in the neighborhood." That's the third time this year. You can't improve schools until you improve living conditions. Period. End of discussion. You may go now.
The next day I got called into the principal's office at my home school and listened on speaker phone to a person in the county tell us that I was being accused of something VERY serious and I would be put on immediate paid leave. As my principal perp walked me out the door, I broke into tears as soon as I got outside.
The following day I was called to the county office and interviewed by an investigator.( I had been through this process last year when a student accused me of slapping his hands away from his face. He had been a pain in the rear during class so when the students were lined up I took him out of the line and told him his behavior had been awful. When I asked him to explain himself he put his hands up, covering his mouth, and I had a difficult time understanding him. I asked him to put his hands by his side and he wouldn't, so I took his hands away from his mouth in order to understand him. Luckily the entire class witnessed the even, so the investigator concluded it was a non issue.) I waited over 3 hours in the lobby before the investigator showed up and followed her to a tiny room.where I shared my story of the events. I showed her how I pointed my fingers and she said, "Do you always point like that?" I said, "Well, only for the last 38 years of my teaching career." She seems sympathetic, but I leave feeling like I wanted to work as a Wal-mart greeter.
Two days later I'm again summoned to report to the crack investigative team of Doofus and Buttssky, the investigator plus the head of personnel. They produce a bunch of papers written without the use of very many verbs in a language resembling a blend of Welch and Basque. If there were verbs they were in the present pluperfect past subjunctive conditional tense, Apparently, the entire class corroborated the story, which was weird because at the time I was facing only that one student who was sitting way off to the side of the room,and my body was turned away from the rest of the class. That meant that these little truth tellers were presenting alternate facts. My punishment was one day unpaid leave and I returned the following Monday. In total I had three days of paid leave (yay) and one day unpaid (meh).
On Monday morning, I walked by that fifth grade class in the cafeteria and heard whispers of "that's the teacher who whip (sic) a gun at us." After I signed in, the principal told me the onsite music teacher would take that class. In return I got the best second grade class. That was ok by me.
2. October: During Halloween I was doing an activity with my fourth grade using Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King." I've done the same lesson as long as I've taught elementary school. It's the one lesson the kids always ask about. I wear an ogre mask, turn out the lights and say "Boo." The kids scream and ask me to do it again and again. Bu this time I apparently "traumatized" a kid. I told the art teacher and she showed me the monster masks they were making in fourth grade, so I was kind of surprised when I was immediately removed from that school and given a 4 day work week.
3. Ongoing. I broke up 5 fights at my Friday school. Causes ranged from someone looking at someone else, an argument about a toy, and someone saying something about someone else. Sounds like reasonable excuses to lose control and go postal. During one fight, I was trying to restrain a small, but very strong fourth grader and just when I thought I had him calm, he broke loose, jumped on his target and started to pummel his head into the floor. I had to pull his hair to get him to stop before he did serious damage.
4. December. The principal at my home school called in the specialists for a meeting to tell us that we would tutor at- risk students during our planning period. She went around the table asking what we thought. The long term art sub (for some reason, the school didn't hire an art teacher this year) who was pregnant and going to deliver at any minute said she thought it was a great idea. She had nothing to lose by sucking up because she would soon be on maternity leave. The onsite PE teacher wasn't there but the poor, flustered itinerant PE teacher mumbled something about losing our planning period. I kept my head down, staring at specks on the carpet hoping that she didn't notice me. I guess that only works when there are more than 3 people in the room. When she cornered me, I said that I lacked the skill set to teach reading and math (What I wanted to say was, "I'm so glad I went to college and got several advanced degrees so I could become a music educator. Why don't you come and help me work on improvisational skills in my classroom. Isn't that what your background is in? Oh, wait I forgot. You got a degree from some online diploma mill and taught 5 minutes so that you could run a school with the skill set the size of the Trump family. ..although in my head I added lots of curse words as well) She said, Oh, that's ok." There's a script and you just follow it." So, let me get this straight. You just need a script to teach reading and math? Sounds like something Betsy Devos would say. Luckily, my principal is not one to stay on top of things--she had Happy Halloween signs on her door until the last day of school. She implemented the program a month before high stakes testing because, as we all know, cramming is the best way to prepare for a test.
5. November. 48% of the people in this country elected a traffic cone as president. Now instead of just having to teach in stressful schools, the news is filled with a daily s**t storm of wtf as he and his genetically modified army warrior ants march us into the 19th century. I stayed in bed for three days. The fall of the Roman Empire is here.
6. March. My laptop committed suicide. I had filled out the required request for service forms at least 5 times but the county has cut the number of tech people as they arm more and more small children with mobile device that they use--no kidding--to take pics of their gherkin- sized genitalia. I explained that my laptop was freezing and blacking out and making strange, gurgling noises. The county's fix is to reimage and I said it had already been tried, but it got a lobotomy again and when it came back to me the door of the CD drive broke off and my USB ports stopped working. " Couldn't I get a new one, I asked?" "No, you have the newest model," the tech answered. But that wasn't true; new teachers got the newer models. My model was considered new if you voted for Franklin Roosevelt. Finally the tech at my Wednesday school found me a working laptop . It's still the older model, so I kept the suicidal one at home as a spare. I use it mainly as a paperweight.
7 April. Stopped teaching music the first week in April because high stakes testing either obliterated my classes or they were shortened to 20 minute, which meant the kids came in, sat down, and lined back up. After testing days, my Friday school hauled my portable away so the on site teacher and I had the pleasure of having 60+ students in one room. Another of my schools announced that music classes would be showing some kind of videos from Youtube students would dance along with (i'm still trying to digest that one) I think the PE classes were doing war games and art classes were finger painting with concrete and I thanked the administration for dictating our lessons., and I use that term loosely.
8. May. The admin team has been escorting the fifth graders at my Friday school to their specials now because their behavior has been so awful. I had two admin in my room because the onsite teacher and I had combined classes .The onsite teacher and I quickly figured out that we shouldn't be showing a movie, so I decided we'd play a few music games. During the first game , a student lost a round and was eliminated so he called me a f**ing b**ch. I went to the back of the room and told the two administrators what the student had said to me. They looked up from their cell phones and facebook and said, "write him up." That was after they gave a speech to the class that they would send anyone home who was disruptive or a discipline issue. I guess calling a teacher a charming epithet doesn't belong in either of those categories. The only pleasure I got out of the situation was getting to write both words on a discipline form without using asterisks
The following week I asked the onsite teacher if that student had been suspended. She said he hadn't been. I told her I was going to the AP to follow up. The beleaguered AP said that all admin had been in the fifth grade hall daily from morning until dismissal because the students were on lock down after 18 out of 119 students had passed the high stakes test I was surprised I thought there would only have been 7. But my estimate was somewhat correct because all 18 had passed with the minimum passing scores. Now the remaining students were busy cramming for summer school so that they could pass the retest. The principal's salary and probably her job depended on test scores. At the end of the day, I finally found the AP and to my astonishment her office had the three worst students in that fifth grade group: My Potty Mouth, Mr Crazy, whose behavior is indistinguishable from a crack addict and Mr. Criminally Insane who stole stuff all the time-- important stuff like the little rubber piece on the bottom of the bongito stand or bars from the xylophone. Some day he will become a magpie. The AP apologized for not suspending Mr. Potty Mouth because she was on sentry duty in the fifth grade hall.
I found out that the principal's salary is also based on reducing suspension rates. That means that a few students in every class would hold their classmates hostage while they acted out scenes from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I suggested that they hire an in-school suspension person who would sit with the disruptive ducks and supervise them while they worked in silence. The test scores would probably improve if teachers were allowed to focus on those students who can sit still and learn. But no, there "aren't enough resources. I think there are too many administrators.
9, Late May. Got an email from my second worst school whose subject line was "students will remain inside." The body of the email said, "Gun shots were heard in the neighborhood." That's the third time this year. You can't improve schools until you improve living conditions. Period. End of discussion. You may go now.
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