I F**king Hate Apple

 Call number one
Thursday morning
Time: 1 hour 15 minutes
Number of technicians talked to: 3
Result: bupkus

Thursday morning I tried to log into my iTunes account and my password wasn't working. I reset it several times and finally I got locked out. I set up a time for a technician to call back. I stupidly forgot to turn my ringer on and missed the call so I scheduled another call.  That call came promptly but I was kept on hold for 15 minutes waiting for someone besides a robot to answer the phone.

I got my first iPod when my county updated our textbook series 9 years ago. It was the first generation--white, with a click wheel and print large enough to read with my old eyeballs. It worked really well when it worked. By the end of the first year it kept freezing and I got tired of seeing the sad Mac guy who looked like he was trying to escape his moribund surroundings. I took the iPod to the Apple store. You didn't need appointments back then. You could actually walk in and go up to a resident genius. He looked at the iPod and said it was dead. I looked at him like the sad little Mac man. Since it was under warranty I got another one. It also worked well until it stopped working about a year later.

Around this time Apple came out with the Nano, so I spent my own money and bought one. No more freezing. I sort of missed sad Mac guy. But now that I didn't have to fool with freezing, I had more time to notice stuff, like how proprietary Apple is. If you actually read some of the fine print that came with the frequent reminders to update iTunes you can see how sneaky they are. You think you own the music, but you don't. You sort of co-own it with Apple, or least it, to be more exact. But that doesn't mean into perpetuity.  Apple will try to wrest it from you in all sorts of creative ways,

With more free time I also discovered how frustrating it is to use iTunes and iPods. Try and transfer music from the iPod to iTunes. Apple doesn't want you to do that.  Why?  Read the fine print. My laptop died at the beginning of the year and I had no way of getting to my music.  I had backed up my music but no computer at my school has iTunes on it.  My tech was out sick and no one in my building has admin rights to install iTunes so I was stuck with a virtual music library that I could only play in my virtual brain.  Thank god I am still low tech enough to haul out my guitar in class.

Every so often music will disappear out of iTunes "...could not be found." Where the hell did it go? I can always find it on my computer, but how did it slip out of iTunes? Did it run away with the socks that disappeared from my laundry?   And I'm not alone with these problems.  There are countless websites that deal with user problems.  I know because I have wasted many a planning period reading about how to fix these problems from the thousands of frustrated users. Maybe we need to form a union? 

Apple products are very pretty and shiny, but they don't play well with others. Apple is the good looking, snooty girl in your 9th grade geometry class who only talked to other pretty girls and made fun of you behind your back. The work she turned  looked beautiful, like an invitation to the Queen's wedding. But her work could never compete with the tall, skinny, pimply guy in the back of the room who turned in work that looked like it had been written by a troll with a hand cramp and offered up solutions Euclid hadn't even thought of. That's Apple. A for effort. C- for grammar.

I  got a free iPad this year from my county. I have to choose between storing my iTunes on there or an update I needed to make it work. I can take about 4 minutes of video. It doesn't have flash drive. I don't have enough memory to download any app that's worthwhile. It's basically a large email device that allows me to show my face while I talk to other idiots who purchase Apple phones or iPads. Feh.

 Call number 2: Thursday afternoon
 Time: 1 hour 36 minutes.
 Number of techs talked to: 3
 Number of times disconnected:3
Frustration level: Infinity and beyond

 Call number two was supposed to be a check up call to see if the fixes from that morning were working, which of course, they weren't. The call was scheduled for 2:15. At 2:30 I called them back. I was put on hold for 27 minutes and then disconnected. I called back and it was suggested that I was locked out because my account wasn't current. I said that was highly unlikely as I hadn't purchased anything in a year and surely Apple would've garnished my wages for the 99 cents I might possibly owe. He put me on hold for 30 minutes and came back and said, "Your account is current, so that isn't the problem." By this time I had updated all my passwords to If**kinghateapple and got a slight twinge of joy every time I was asked for it or had to type it in.

 During call number two I learned that if you buy anything from the iTunes store under an email account, then that purchase will always need to be accessed using that email account. My first account was on AOL, which I think dated back to when LBJ was president. I don't have that account anymore so if I needed to receive a verification email, I was up a creek. The genius was able to just use my log in name without the aol.com and change it in the system. I finally got back into my Itunes and thought I was finished. Ha.

Call number 3
 Saturday morning
Time: 2 hours
Number of techs talked to: 2
Problem solved, but only after several set backs

During call number 3 I learned that after March 31, all old Apple email addresses had to be updated or you would lose ALL your purchased music. I asked the genius why no one I talked to at Apple had thought about telling me this, especially since I had spent most of my day chatting with half of their corporation I got the verbal equivalent of a shrug. She helpfully added, "Apple sent out an email notification about this." "Well, that's thoughtful, but what about people such as myself whose email is no longer taking any calls?" "Oh, well, I guess you didn't get an email, so you'd better update it now." I said, "But I was told I wasn't able to change any of my old email accounts and would have to use them all individually to sign into iTunes if I wanted to access my purchased music THAT I BOUGHT AND YOU SOMEHOW STILL CO-OWN WITH ME."

She remains on the phone with me as I am asked to change my AOL email to another email NOT associated with Apple. I said "But I only have 2 other addresses and they are both associated with Apple." She said "Well, you'll have to create another one." The stupidity of that made me type in my password furiously while I tried to figure out a third email that I might actually remember. I finally realized my school account wasn't associated with Apple. I hated to link up my last untainted email address with this idiotic company, but I had no choice. Now all I have to do is worry about not getting fired so I can use my school account. She walks me through all the steps and stays on to make sure I can log into iTunes  I can, but none of my purchased music is showing.  Apple has thoughtfully suggested I purchase an album by U2  They did this by showing it in my purchased column, making me think I had bought music and then developed amnesia.  I get put on hold for another 20 minutes, but she is thoughtful enough to check back with me every few minutes by saying, "I'm still waiting for someone from iTunes to pick up." I am mentally inputting my password over and over again. She comes back and says, "i don't know how you did it, but you changed all your emails to one address and that's all you need now." I said, "But I thought that wasn't possible?" She said, "It's not, but you did it."

 Man oh man. I wish I could remember what I did, because I would take out the equivalent of a front page ad on the world wide web to tell everyone how I did it. But for now, you should that it's possible. And I would encourage you to use If**kinghateapple as part of your password, although I would spell it out. It feels good to type it.

Thank You For All You Do

Over the years I've gotten my share of  thank you for all you do emails. They inevitably follow a request to do something fun, like pick up an extra duty or cover a class. The thank you for all you do is the closing line so that you understand that nothing you're being asked to do is negotiable. I have my suspicions that it's an admin code for " f**k you, silly underling." ( Another code is a see me email without any explanation.  It is admin code for "This is an ambush and you are in a heap of trouble.")

So the other day, I took my first graders to the Atlanta Symphony.   The ASO provides several outreach programs and I was able to get a grant to take the entire first grade.  It was a program about musical opposites (loud/soft, fast/slow, etc), concepts that we work on in kindergarten and first grades.

There were lots of schools in attendance, with a healthy mix of suburban and urban populations.  Not surprisingly, there wasn't a person of color in the orchestra and I was wondering how or if my students would notice.  I m not sure how  much my kids notice race. During Black history month I will sometimes mention  that 50 years ago it would've been highly unlikely that I would have been teaching African American students like themselves, and I can always count on several to pipe up, "but you're not white; you're light skinned." The rest of the students are trying to fathom being on this planet for more than 50 years and stare at me in disbelief when they figure out I'm older than their great, great, great grandparents. (Age is something else little people have no concept of.  One year when asked on my birthday by a first grader how old I was I said, "110, and as the class exited the room I heard her tell her classmates, "Ms. Jove is 110 years old! )  For the record, I go out in the sun only under duress and am about as colorful as a snowball.  The first time I heard the comment about being light skinned I mentioned it to a Black teacher and she said  it was a compliment, so that's the story I'm going with.  Anyway, I was glad to see that at least the conductor was African American.  I think it's important for children to see people who look like them doing important jobs.

My students were beautifully attired.  Two boys had on  three piece suits and many girls wore their party dresses.  As we were entering the hall I looked around and noticed several of the  more suburban students  hopping and jumping around like frogs on a bad LSD trip.  I looked at my students.  They were standing quietly in a line, one head behind the other, mouths in the closed position, hands and feet held in check.  The five first  grade teachers surveyed their students with a watchful eye, and two of them were holding the hands of their most squirrelly ones.  If a student even approached antsy pantsy phase, his teacher would swoop down and nip it in the bud.  I watched the teachers of the LSD tripping frog children and they seemed oblivious to all external stimulation.   I had to fight the impulse to run over and fuss at one kid who  looked like he was throwing out the first pitch at Turner Field over and over again to another one playing the role of imaginary catcher. The students at my school are not easy to control and if you turn your back they will invent all sorts of dangerous jobs for themselves, but I know that within nanoseconds there will be an adult who will close down shop just as quickly.  But these looked like middle class kids who I've heard said are supposed to know better.  Well, they don't. They were exhausting to watch. I wanted to hand their teachers the number of a local pharmacy.

 During the performance I tried to tune out the banging of little feet on the backs of chairs and the rustling of whatever the little ones saw fit to rustle about with.   Then I glanced at my students.  One was sleeping, but the rest were staring transfixed at the stage trying to suppress their need to tell me that they recognized the pieces on the program or had seen that instrument in my room.  Several were surreptitiously doing the patterned movement routines I use when I play classical music.  I was doing them, too.  Music makes us want to move.  It's just that we have that slapped out of us when we're young. 

As we exited the concert hall I overheard many of my students tell their teachers or each other how much they enjoyed the program.  Again their teachers kept them in quiet lines as we went to wait  for the buses.  And again I saw the crazy frog children twirling and bopping around while the adults in charge engaged themselves by  communing with air molecules.We stood outside for about 10 minutes and I couldn't believe how the other kids were behaving.  Running, jumping, twirling and oddly gesticulating...and those were the quieter ones. 

The first grade at my school is definitely a level or two above the other grades.  Part of it is because many of them have been there since pre-k.  But a large part is due to their teachers.  I teach every kid in my school and I know that with certain teachers I will see a steady improvement both in behavior and academics.   I am grateful to them.  To them I say, "thank you for all you do."  And I mean it.  No strings attached.

birdbox studios
piano tutorial
communication skills

You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING

2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your desk.

6. PSYCHOLOGY

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodites, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find and instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. ECONOMICS

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

 

">Sound of Music condensed version