Friday, November 30, 2018

Things I Won't Miss When I Retire

It's hard to believe that I am going to retire after, like, a zillion (40) years in the teaching field.  I thought I would retire when the wheels on my walker started to rust and someone had to turn me around so I'd occasionally be facing the sun light, but when I began this school year, I started having thoughts about murdering children's faces or cursing at them in Pig Latin,  and it dawned on me that before I committed any actionable offenses that landed me in prison, it would be best that I leave on a less lethal note.

My first step in getting into the retirement mindset was to set about formulating a motto to live by.  It came to me in five seconds:  If you don't like it/me, don't rehire me next year.  That little motto has been helping me keep things in perspective.  I didn't show up for tutoring a subject I don't teach or have any interest in ever teaching?   Don't hire me next year.  I didn't break up a fight between two cruise ship-sized fifth graders?  Don't hire me next year.   I didn't volunteer for 43 committees?  Don't hire me again next year.  

I also formulated a goal for the year: Leaving the field without ever having written a lesson plan or posting an essential question. I will be very proud if I accomplish those achievements.  I am still trying to puzzle out how kindergarten students are supposed to read an essential question when they can barely puzzle out letters.  And I still don't understand why someone needs to see a lesson plan before deciding if you can teach.  A beloved principal once said, after I asked her why she didn't ask for my lesson plans:  Any idiot can write a lesson plan.  I'd add to that:  Any idiot can be an administrator.(except her.  She was fabulous.  Only principal I had in all my elementary teaching years who was worth her weight in gold. Thank you Catherine Harper).

 Now that I had a motto and a goal in place, I could set about writing my list of things I will not miss when I retire.  After several revisions, I culled the list from 187 to 20.  Here it is:
  1. Perpetual whining
  2. The refrains:  He's looking at me  She skipped me or the synonymous He cut me .  
  3. Tortured use of the English language:   Her/him hit me;  Give me that, it's mines; You nasty; and I didn't do nothing.
  4. The word stop dragged out to elebenty hundred gazookian syllables Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwp!
  5. Nutball answers:  
  • After teaching the song Let Us Chase the Squirrels and explaining what hickory nuts are,  I ask,  "Class, can you name another tree that produces nuts?"  Answers: orange tree, apple tree, pear  tree, strawberry tree, and, from somewhere deep in the  end zone....cereal breakfast bar.       
  •  Me to fifth grade: "What country is south of us?" Answers: Michigan, Africa, Georgia and Mexican, which prompts the fifth grade teacher who was sitting in the back of the room to smack her head and slump over in her chair.
  • Me in same fifth grade class: IF the half note gets two beats and the dot gets one-half of the value of the half note, what is the value of the dot?  In other words, how many beat (I purposely don't say beats, thinking they might get the hint, but then quickly realize that the incorrect grammar wouldn't register)  does the dot get: Answers: 3,   1/3, 6   I ask again, this time adding:   the dot is the same value as 1/2 of 2. What's the value of the dot?   Answers: 1/3, 6, 3 (note the different order now) , 2 and 1/2. Same fifth grade teacher starts to pray.
  • Class, what language do they speak in Mexico?  Answer: Mexican
  • What country do you think this song is from? Answer: Africa (Africa as an answer anytime you ask for a country name.  Mexico is  the second default answer, but at least its a country)
  • Can you name some of the other religions in the world?  Answers:  Hannukah (presumably because I had a menorah on display and we were earning the dreydl game), American, Christmas and .... religion.  
  • While explaining the dreydl game, .... Class, you have to take half the number of whatever's in the pot.  There are 9 counting chips in the pot   What would half of that be/  Answers:  3, 2 ,18 and.....what do you mean by half? (can you hear me slap my head now?)
  • Fifth grade, why are there 365 days a year?  Answer:  Technology.  Me: This system was devised years and years before technology.  Answers:  Because there are months.   Because there is day and night.  The weather.  Me:  What do you know about the earth and its rotation around the sun?  It goes dark and light.  Ms. J, what are the flat Earthers?  Me: blank stare followed by a heavy sigh, finishing with  eye roll
  • While reading the book There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Bell, I ask third grade for another way to pronounce the word bow.  Answer one:  boh  Me: No, that's exactly how it's pronounced in the story.  Answer two: boh.  Me: No, that answer was wrong two seconds ago and, remarkably, it still is.    Answer three: Rhythm   
        6.   Non-stop tattling
        7.   Parents who forget to give their hyperactive children their meds
        8.   Kids who need meds but don't take them
        9.   Not being able to tell parents to medicate their children
        10.  Hall duty or any kind of duty
        11.  Teachers who pick their kids up late, yet always get them to you at least 2 minutes early
        12.  Having to get to school on time, but meetings that never end on time.
        13.  Meetings of any kind
        14.  Micromanaging administrators
        15. Administrators who are 12 years old and have taught a total of 8 minutes (which is why                   they  micromanage. )
         16. Emails that address us as family and/or wild animal
  • Dear Cougar family please pray for the custodian's sister's brother-in-law's cousin twice removed  who was funeralized on yesterday  (see grammatical errors I hate)
  • Welcome back Wildcat family; I hope you had a pawsitively wonderful break (wild animals plus cutesy puns are even worse)
  • Enjoy your well-deserved break Panther cubs  Please make sure to keep your dens locked.
  •  Hello Rodent Family. Has anyone seen my pencil/stapler/tape dispenser?  I'm going to piggy back onto this one because I said I only had 20----people who respond with reply all and then you have to empty your mailbox of all the : I saw it; I didn't see it; Sorry you can't find it; Do you want to borrow mines (sic); I used it to staple a student to a chair
        17. The word awesome
        18 . Having to give all sorts of awards to children for behaving the way they're supposed to                  behave   
       19. Getting up an insanely early hour and then driving to work in the dark
        20. CHILDREN