An Ordinate Number List of Stuff You Could Never Have Known When You Became an Elementary Music Teacher

I just read this adorable blog post about the 10 things they don't tell you about being an elementary music teacher The blogger noted that after 17 years she had some super keen insights such as:  You have to switch gears because teaching fifth grade isn't like teaching kindergarten.  Really?  You didn't know that before you went into this profession?  Here's another of her observations: People assume they know what you do in your classroom.   Well, ok.  Let's alert the Channel 10 News Team.   I know that teaching, and teaching music in particular, is a lot of on the job training and that many college programs, and again, music in particular, do not adequately train or prepare teachers,  but I think there are a lot more surprises out there than the ones she mentioned. 

 So I thought about the 10 things I didn't know before I stepped into the elementary music room.  I have an intense, almost visceral, dislike for articles and books that have numbers in the title  I think I developed this pet peeve when we were forced to read that idiot Stephen Covey whose popular 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was forced upon us in my specialist degree that I earned from P.U.University in Firecrackerville, Tennessee. The book was a facile, over simplified compendium of useless information.   So unless the titles are something like: The 5 Things You Should Know Before Becoming a Prostitute ; 10 Reasons Not to Have a Baby, or 15  Reasons You Should Not Own a Pet Rat then I'm not interested  And while 5, 10 and 15 seem like very nice numbers and I really have no personal vendetta with most any number, using a number in a title forces you to either pad your list or winnow away good ideas.   Therefore, I will call mine, "An Ordinate Number List of Stuff You Could Never Have Known When You Became an Elementary Music Teacher."  When I finish my list, that will be the number of things I wanted to say.

I didn't know that:

1. I would have kids tell me that they would "beat my ass," because I asked them to sit down, and not even be tall enough to reach my ass.
2. Chairs would hurl across the room just because, I don't know, it was a full moon.
3. Teaching music would take a back seat to have to deal with things like defiant behavior disorder or bat shit crazy disease and that each and every class would be required to have a minimum of one (with no maximum limit) of these delightful little buggers, and that these were also the kids who had perfect attendance, including coming to school when there wasn't any.
4. That there would be SO MANY behavioral disorders.
5. Students would tell me my class was lame because I didn't want to do the kind of music they liked and made them doing evil hings like reading music, or even worse, holding hands with their partner, but that's why cootie shots were invented, no?
6. That a child looking at another child is a violation of rule 64, subsection B, article 38 in the  children's code of ethics manual, and is an actionable offense. Punishment should be swift,  and the perpetrators made to suffer a similar torture such as being burned by a magnifying glass  or hung from a tree limb as buzzard feed, which ever method is legal in the state.  I believe both are legal in Texas.
7. I would see a mobility rate of 85%.
8. Parents would come to school in their pajamas.
9. A first grader would appear in HER pajamas, not know any letter of the alphabet, and move after being there exactly one week.
10. Students would be enrolled the LAST F**IN day of the year.
11. Classes would be leveled so that the higher performing class had 12 students and the academically challenged would have one less student that the state limit, which I think now has a teacher student ratio of 1 : 163
12. Politicians, Bill Gates, economists and other self-anointed gurus, who think they can fix education because they know more than the people who actually do the teaching ,would try to improve the  schools with their data obsession, high stakes testing, and tying student test scores to teacher pay, while making sure that teachers were vilified and demand that  their compensation rate of approximately 4 cents an hour be cut even further because they pull up to school in their Bentleys at 8 am, leave at 2pm  and munch on bon bons all day long, be required to work longer and harder than most any other profession and then expect the schools to fix the problems brought on by the larger societal issues of crippling poverty, unstable home life, and various other pathology , because what's needed are long-term fixes and that's too complicated and costs money and many Americans don't want to give money to people who don't look like them, although they're perfectly happy to take the tax money that comes from all people (with an even larger tax burden placed on the ones that didn't create the financial melt-down of 2008 or reside in 1% land)  that the government puts aside for them when they are old, cranky and sick and trying to convince everyone to return life back to the good old days when women were forced into back alley abortions, people of color were discriminated against,  gays, lesbians and transgenders were in the closet and smoking cigarettes was a god idea. Whew.  I wonder if there's a run-on in there?  IF not, I'm giving James Joyce a run for his money.  But I digress.
13. School systems would become bloated with administrators always looking to spray their territory and move up the career ladder, leaving the teachers to pick up the mess they've created and ready themselves for a new leader every few years so the pattern can be repeated.
14. We would receive emails that must start with one of these salutations: Greetings Lemur Family or Hello Llama Team Members.  I already have a family and I don't play sports.    I find  it patronizing and idiotic.  I am a professional;  I don't need to be a member of either group to do the right thing.  If someone asks for me help I will gladly give it.  If we all need to pitch in for the common good, I will do it because that's what you're supposed to do.   Some management moron probably wrote a book  (The Seven Hundred Most Annoying Things to Do in Order to Tell Other People What to Do) and has forever changed the landscape. I'd almost rather be addressed as Dear Pod Seed Member.
15. Parents would call all the shots and the inmates would run the asylum.

hunh.  I ended up with one of those nice numbers.  So be it.

Vacations Are Like Moving Sidewalks

School started on Monday; kids came on Wednesday. I started craving vodka on Friday.

Actually, some of the classes weren't too bad.  I finally got to teach my second grade class again.  I hadn't taught them since October because the onsite music teacher wanted them to learn 12 minutes of music for a 36 minute play about an out of tune Christmas bell.  (In my part of the county, you can have all the Christmas you want, so all you whiny birds that hate Christmas having to be called winter holiday, have no fear.  Christmas is definitely here in my neck of the woods.  Big time.  And for the students that are Muslim, Jehova's Witnesses or another group that does not celebrate Christmas, nyah nyah on you.  I'm sure those kids feel really included at this time of year, much the same way I was in elementary school, a Jewish kid forced to sing Christ the Savior is bo-rrrrnnn along with the zillion other carols and one Dreydl song-- I think there is only one-- for good measure.) Anyway, I lost about 8 weeks of curriculum for a musical that was A. stupid B. had silly, inane music and C. was really, really stupid.  I know the parents thought it was cute and loved seeing their little ones on stage, some staring at the ceiling lights, others engaged in finger play,  and a few reciting lines in a monotone whisper.  But to me, cute isn't as important as what they could have been learning from the curriculum.  Oh well.  When in Rome.

I sat down with each class and reviewed the rules and expectations.  I am a firm believer that it is better to give up a few minutes of curriculum to reinforce rules and expectations.  Two years ago a wonderful teacher was late to my class because he was marching his kids up and down the hall  They were excited to come to my class and had made a beeline to my room.( I was lucky that he was able to use my class as an incentive.) He made them come back and walk to my room several times.  If he hadn't done that, it would've taken me a while to calm them down.  Even though they were 10 minutes late, we sailed through the lesson because he had helped them to become focused and primed to learn. Thanks Mr. Monroe if you ever read this blog.

On Friday I have the most difficult class--fifth grade, last class of the day.  They have been without a teacher since October because she was fired.  The last time I saw this class a girl threw a chair across the room because, well, just because. I'm guessing she was angry at something/someone?  No sub will stay longer than a week.  As sub number 35 walked them to my door today,  I recognized her.  She's a retired teacher and had subbed for me previously and was pretty good with the kids.  I asked her if she was going to be a long term sub.  She said, and I am paraphrasing a bit, that she would rather have her face pulled off by a falcon then stay with this group.

I asked the students to come in quietly and they actually did.  I talked to them for awhile and let them air their concerns and grievances and they were actually saying some meaningful things. One girl said, rather articulately, that she was worried about passing the end of the year test.  Most of them said that it didn't feel good to have everyone say they were awful. Some kids are really difficult to like.  I can't say that I love them all, but I will say I love some more than others and this class makes me work overtime.  I have to remind myself that deep inside almost every kid, no matter how rough around the edges, is a tiny core of kid-dom.  This core fades as time goes on, but in elementary school it's still there.  You just have to dig to find it.  I'm not always successful at it, but this belief keeps me showing up to work every day.  Yes, I blog about how tough it is.  That's my release valve.  And there are days I think I don't want to go back.  But I always do, although I am a practitioner of take a mental health holiday when need be.  I just wish the adults would not share this with the children. It does hurt and it does do long-term damage.

 The class really wanted to play musical chairs for reasons I can not fathom. To me it's like human bumper cars hopped up on meth, with each little car trying to commit heinous acts of road rage.   Instead of saying what I thought, i.e. Are you F**N KIDDING ME, NO F**N WAY! I decided to negotiate and we struck a bargain.  If I could get through my lesson, we would stop  a few minutes early and play musical chairs.  I am a firm believer in rigor and all that razzmatazz, but sometimes you have to let go a little and be flexible.  Remember, this class has had dozens of subs waltz through this year and their teacher, who said she would never leave them, left.   I don't want the students to be my friends,  but I do want them to trust me and like me....not because I need to be liked, but children want to please adults and they really want to please adults who show them that they are cared about.  That doesn't mean I have to placate them or do things that they want to do.  As a matter of fact, a student came in one day and asked me if I was going to do rap music.  I said, "Don't you already know how to do that?"  He said, "Yes."  I said, "Well, do you want to be a better rapper?"  "Un hunh," he replied.  I said, "I don't need to teach you what you already know.  I am going to expand your tool box so that you can be a better rapper, or, even better than that, maybe  develop a new and different style of music, something all your own."  I don't know if that convinced him, but he did stop asking me.

Back to body bumper cars.   I know these kids well enough to predict that the musical chairs game would end up in a fiasco, but I struck a bargain with them and I wanted to show them I would keep my word.  I also wanted something else.  We got through the lesson (which I will share below because it was pretty successful. )  The game began.  Predictably, the pushing and shoving started with the first musical pause.  As the game progressed, the craziness increased until I saw plumes of flames emanating from some of them.   I sat them down and  asked them what had happened, with one rule--no one's name could be mentioned, as in "But XYZ said this and PGH said that."

And this is the something else I had wanted: They were able to understand that it was not a great game at all, and that in the future they would allow me to choose a game that did not require them to become human canon balls or scream until their lungs fell out on the floor. The promise of a fun activity, (albeit with my ulterior motive) forced them to work as a group to get what they wanted, allowed them to have a small say in what went on in their music class. and most importantly, now they trusted me because I kept my word.  Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal, but believe me, when you work with difficult kids, trust is a BIG deal. Come to think of it, trust is a big deal for all kids.

And that's why vacations are like moving sidewalks.  Walking on the moving sidewalk feels really good and relaxing, but as soon as you hit the stationary floor, the relaxed feeling abruptly ends and your feet experience a sudden jolt as they resume their less relaxed walk on the hard surface.  Welcome back from vacation. 

Here's the lesson
Pease porridge
I did this lesson with grades 2-5 with modifications and adaptations.  I will include all the things to watch out for.
Focus: improvisation, tone color, form (ABA)*
Process:

1. Standing in a circle, I ask the students to watch me THEN copy what I do.  I have to reinforce this.  Several always try to do it with me.  (Then I have to stop them from correcting each other, but that's another topic) 
2. I step the beat for each phrase and touch my shoulders on the rest. (I always teach rests that way.  I hate saying "shh."  If you vocalize the rest, it's not a rest)
3. I talk a bit about the poem, where it came from, what porridge is, how spelling and languages are not static, and whatever else I can think of until they start staring at the ceiling)
4. After I get through both verses I step the rhythm of the words.  We talk about the difference between beat and rhythm, an ongoing concept for their entire elementary school career, unfortunately.  
5. I ask them to figure out where the rests are and then I add a snap on the rests and in the upper grades I will talk a little bit (remember, my kids will stare at the ceiling very quickly) about complementary rhythms.  
6. I send my class helpers (I pick 3-4 every month based on lots of things (if you're interested, I've blogged about how I pick helpers, but I will say it's the best incentive I know) to the glocks or triangles if melody instruments are not available and transfer that part.
7. In the upper grades I teach them a simple pat, clap, partner clap, clap pattern and I turn to my neighbor and demonstrate.  They quickly catch on and copy me.
8. Now I add a B section.  I will pat the rhythm to : How do you like your porridge?  (How do you is an eighth and two sixteenths, otherwise you will end up with 2 eight notes on the last beat and sometimes that's makes the question harder to answer because there is no space at the end of the question) I will swing the rhythm a little because my kids don't love straight eighths and quarters.  Sometimes I don't either.  
9. I demonstrate some answers to my question, like: I like it hot rest; I like it mushy; I like it in my car--whatever I think and then I will go around the circle and invite them to give me an answer individually if they want to.  
10. Now I ask the group to whisper---I have to R E I N F O R C E whisper or they will shout.  Believe me.  They will shout and I don't want to hear any kids shouting, "I like it in my butt," which is an answer I got today.  If they want to say something stupid,  this way I don't have to hear it.  The next time I ask them to think their stupid answers.  I don't say stupid, though.
11. I will do the question/answer section 4 times.
12. With the younger kids I will have them partner up and change partners on the B section, stepping the beat to find the new partner.  I ALWAYS have to reinforce partner rules--no one can say no or they march off to rudeville (a desk facing a corner), always use walking feet to the beat, etc.  For the ones that balk at, GASP, touching another human's palms, I say, "I did not ask anyone to run off into the sunset and get married.  Just touch someone's palms for less than .02 seconds." If I can't humor them into it, I let it go.  There are bigger battles to fight.  
13. With grades 2-3 I stop the lesson here and transfer to instruments the following week.  Grades 4-5 can transfer to instruments the same day.
14. If drums are available, they do the B question and answer session.  If not, the instruments can perform. In once class the xylophones did the questions and the metallophones answered, then the glocks did the questions (poor glocks.  they usually just play on the snap parts, so why not give them something else for a change?).  If no orff instruments, then use whatever classroom instruments you have and play the melody on a recorder, piano, harmonica, jews harp, whatever.  Oh--the melody--I use so and mi and on the second verse I end on do.  You might think your fifth graders will scoff at the simple melody, but when the instruments are playing, they sing along.  And I do swing the rhythm a little so it's not so white bread-y.
15. It is performed ABA.  * When I told the class we were going to perform it in ABA, several of the students looked for the B bars I had taken off the instruments and were putting it back on.  That was a rather blatant clue that they had no idea what ABA form was.  (I'm not to blame.  I'm itinerant and have not worked with any of these kids before)
16. I have different arrangements for different classes.  Some classes can only handle a steady beat bordun and the glock part.  Others can do a crossover bordun, along with a soprano and alto part.  Before I add parts I always ask them if they are ready for a challenge.  Unless the kids are drooling dolts, they all like to be challenged.  This way they are primed to succeed. Sometimes I stack the deck by putting better players on instruments that will have the trickier parts.  But I've been surprised enough times by kids whom I thought couldn't keep a steady beat with a metronome tied to their heads, do some amazing things, so now I am a little less controlling....unless I'm being evaluated.  Then I stack the deck.