Teacher Work Days: Not For Work Anymore: Visiting the Land of Chaos

I spent this week observing some music teachers because work days no longer mean that you can get any work done. Now we have people in charge of making sure our work days are taken up with fun-filled activities that will make us grow and soar like an eagle. Well, this week my schools all had their own work days so the people that dream up fun things for us to do told us to observe other teachers. I chose a teacher based on how close the school was to my house. This year my decisions have all been based on best practices.

The first teacher I went to see teaches in what I can only describe as a war-torn combat zone full of varying sizes of warriors in search of Ritalin and/or Agent Orange. When I came in, the teacher was saying words, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out who was listening to those words. They seemed like important words She had an important look on her face. But then again she was trying to communicate with beings who have emerged from something out of Stephen Hawking's imagination. This was a fourth grade class and they made me feel like I was in the middle of a scene from a bad movie about substitute teachers.  They were screaming and throwing bits of scrap paper and standing on chairs and howling at some celestial body.  Two of them were paying attention, I think.  I say this because they were sitting on the carpet near the teacher and were quiet.  But they might have been catatonic.  It was hard to tell.  Maybe third grade would be better. 

The third grade came in doing several versions of the Monty Python Silly Walk Contest. Many were poking and jabbing each other Several were yelling "Shut up." and "No, You shut up," in what seemed like a very productive argument. Future debaters I said to myself.. The teacher gave the class a point for entering quietly and, while I was dumbfounded that the class received a point, I was more curious what the point was for. I never did find out But then again, the class never received another point. Maybe it was a get out of jail free card. First grade was next.  Maybe they'd be better?

No.  First grade was not better.  They were smaller but were practicing the behaviors I saw in the older grades.  They were already quite good at this.   I videoed several first graders doing imitations of rolling pins who were, I assume, trying to flatten out the floor. I don't know. After they got bored rolling around they started the usual game of poke your buddy until someone gets angry. And sure enough, one little first grade boy got angry when a girl slapped his face somewhat playfully, but apparently the boy didn't seem to like it very much, and when I saw the familiar huff and puff face I knew something bad would happen, so I got up and separated the future pugilists. No sooner did I do that than the rolling pin boys started to punch each other. The teacher came over to help me break up the fight.  No buzzer was pushed.  No administrator called.  This was just another day in the Land of Chaos. 

On top of all this fun, I had to fill out this observation form.  I don't know who is responsible for  designing this form, but it's really quite awful.  First of all some of the questions are meant for self-reflection and since I'm the observer, they don't apply. Secondly, the questions have answers that are self-evident and only someone who just stepped into the classroom might, maybe, possibly, find them useful, although I doubt it.   I'm guessing it was written by the same committee who dreams up fun things to do on work days instead of allowing us to do some work.  I'm pretty sure no one read my comments because I'm still employed. But then again, I'm giving up a work day to not get any work done so I feel justified.

Stupid S**T My Students Say. Part II In a Continuing Ad Infinitum Series

We are entering the 36 week month of JaFebruarch and the kids are digging deep into their superpowers to become  Super Annoying Creatures.  Everything out of their mouths makes my bones itch  and my hair hurt.  As soon as they walk into the room I hear, " I can't sit next to Zabruda; I can't be with Xeonee; I am not allowed to be near Tre'Von;  Our teacher said  Arvann can't be near anyone (unfortunately, all these are real names).  My answer every time is, "Great.  So you two can be partners for the rest of the year."   Except for Arvann.  I just pull out a chair for him and have him sit in the back of the room. Lord only knows what he has done to make him the pariah and I don't want to find out.

Along with their super annoying powers comes their super annoying questions and comments

 Here is a fun sampler:

• Is the Elf on the Shelf gone for real?  (One of the on-site teachers I work with has an elf on the shelf and he moves it around the class during December, which makes all my kids go crazy when they enter the room.  I always have music playing when the kids enter and they do steady beat activities to it in SILENT mode.....except in December because they are looking for that blasted elf).  Class  enters every week pointing out that the elf is now under a guitar or hanging in the window, followed by this question: 

"Mrs. J., Is the elf real?"
Me: "Yes."  

 I had one student who cried when he saw the elf.  He said it kept looking at him and his eyes were following him around the room.  Pretty soon he'll be telling people that a hamster told him to shoot people at Hardy's.

• Can we play that spinning game?  I ask what spinning game, knowing full well it's the dreydl game and no, we can't play it because it's JaFebruamarch., and Hannukah was three years ago.  Students:" Three years ago? "  Me: "Yes.  Time flies, doesn't it?"
• I sang a very complicated song to my first graders.  The lyrics are: I have lost my closet key, in my lady's garden.  That phrase is repeated again.  End of song 

         I ask, "Where is the lost key?" Answer:  In the closet I sing the song again and repeat the                     question. Second answer: Outside.   I figure we're getting closer, so I sing the song again

         and hands shoot up all at once.  Answer:  Toilet.      I put on a dvd.

• "Boys and girls, The Syncopated Clock was written in 1945 (pause for audible gasps because life as we know it could not possibly have existed that long ago), way before cell phones were invented.  What do you think made that sound in the middle section?  

Answer one:  cell phone.
Me: "Well, not a cell phone.  I know cell phones make that kind of sound, but remember I said that this piece was written in 1945."  Another round of gasps of disbelief from the students who weren't listening the first time (most of class).
  Answer two: iPhone.  (In case you're not familiar with the piece, it's an alarm clock) 

• I show the students my glockenspiel and hold it vertically, point to the low bars (which are large) and run my finger up the bars to the top bars (which are smaller).  Then I ask, 

"What can you tell me about the size of the bars when I go from low (point again) to high (point again).  

Answer one: " Low. "

Me: "That is not an answer that relates to size."
Answer two: " High."
Me:  "No, that is not an answer that relates to size."
Answer three: "Low and high."
Me: "No.  Those are not answers that relate to size no matter what order you say them in. I am asking about the size of the bars. High and/or low are not words that describe a size."
Answer four: "Up."
Me: "Look at the SIZE of each of these pretty, shiny bars. Are some larger than others?  Class nods. "Are some smaller than the others? Class nods. "Now look at these pretty, shiny bars one more time.  See the top pretty, shiny bar? Now look at the bottom pretty, shiny bar. When I play the pretty, shiny bars from the bottom to the top, or low to high, do they get larger or smaller?"
Final answer: "Higher."
My final question, "What time is this class over?"

• My favorite answers are when I ask if someone knows the meaning of a particular word.  Typical response:  

"Boys and girls, who can tell me what the word 'foil' means?"
Answer one: "Spoil."
  Me:  "Um, spoil is a rhyming word, not a synonym.
Answer two:  "Tin foil."  Me;. "Um, no.  First of all, it's actually aluminum foil.  They haven't made it from tin since, well, for a long time."  I didn't want to say 1910 because if 1945 seemed implausible, than  1910 would be incredibly crazy.  )  Did you really think about the context of the sentence and how the word foil is used?  (We had been learning an old camp ditty about the mean villain who is trying to get rent from the damsel in distress.  The hero offers to pay the rent  and the last line from the villian is "Curses, foiled again." )  Did you think the hero was going to pay off the villain using tin foil?" Blank stares followed by
Answer three:  "Fort."  Me:  "Hunh?"   Or this one:
  "Boys and girls.  Who can tell me  another word for Coda (ending) ?
Answer "Cold."

 For some reason, rhyming words or similar sounding words are considered suitable definitions.

• Here's what happens when I go for that higher order thinking skills.  Marzano would be apoplectic. 

Me: " Students, I saw that you were able to anticipate the movements we were doing.  Can you tell me how you knew what to do?
Answers: "Beat." " Rhythm".  "Pitches."
  Me: "I do not want one word answers.  I have lost my ability to read minds and have no idea what you mean."
Round two answers;  There is beat.  High and low.  There is rhythm.
Me: "Did you notice any patterns in the music that might have helped us?"  Class nods.  "Can you tell me how patterns can helped us anticipate the movements we were doing?"
Third round of answers:  There was some beats and patterens (sic).   Me: "Let's move on."

Yes.  Let's move on.

Just when you think it can't be any worse, I had this super fun exchange last week.  Here's the the context:  I was going to play a Japanese game so I thought I'd show the class a power point I had made called Japan and China: They are not the same country.  While looking at the Ring of Fire on the map, I got a little off topic and they wanted to know more about tsunamis.  They asked to see a video and I explained it might be difficult to take your iPhone and film a tsunami since it's a fairly large wave.  I found a youtube video that showed one far in the distance. Then we got off topic again and talked about the San Andreas fault  I showed them a photo.

 Student:  Is that a tsunami?

            Me: No.  It's an artichoke dip.